


Because I hate you

by flwwrbys



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, hyunjin is a math major, it works out in the end, seungmin is a medboy, they r idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 12:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20600948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flwwrbys/pseuds/flwwrbys
Summary: Hyunjin can't seem to let go and find someone else. Bruised and battered from his first relationship, he finds comfort in being alone.But perhaps love was closer than he thought.





	Because I hate you

**Author's Note:**

> breaking up, getting back together because I LOVE THAT SHIT SO MUCH LIKE I WRITE FOR SELF-INTEREST AND SELF-INTEREST ONLY!!!!!
> 
> for hyungsobbing.....i made you wait so see GODDAMN LONG.....FOR THIS PIECE OF SHIT....
> 
> EDIT: you might have noticed the title of this fic changed it's because this is why i hate you is also the name of ONISION'S FUCKING BOOK!!!!! THIS WAS A MAJOR OVERSIGHT....I NEED TO COMMIT STOP EXIST! 
> 
> enjoy B)

He tells Hyunjin that he’s sorry.

That he can’t do it anymore.

And that some people are better apart.

Like them.

In the art museum toilet, of all places.

Gosh. There must be better places to end a relationship. So both of them laugh a little-

They cry a little thinking-  
thinking of their relationship that never was-  
and they cry again (read: cry a lot).

Because “I miss you, damnit.”

But it goes unspoken, because Hyunjin isn’t good with words and he knows. He knows once his mouth opens he’ll blunder and beg for this relationship again.

“Was the Van Gogh painting not beautiful enough?”

“You’re the only masterpiece in this room, Hyunjin. That’s why I can’t ever have you.”

But you’re a far greater masterpiece, he wants to say.

He doesn’t say it.

Hyunjin washes his hands at the basin. Avoids his reflection in the mirror. Wishes him good health and walks out, trying his best not to look like a blubbering fool.

It’s evidently not working.

He entered the museum with someone. He leaves alone. The sun’s setting. All good things come to an end.

Seungmin?

Art museums suck. Just like relationships do.

(Hyunjin doesn't want Seungmin to know that he knows why he broke up with him.)

(It's evidently not because he's untouchable.)

* * *

"Wakey wakey, bro"

"How about no?"

"Hyunjin, it's the first day of university and you have to get your ass up and out or you'll be late."

Hyunjin sighs and rolls out of bed. Felix is standing over him, a ladle (??) in his left hand and an apron around his waist. Felix can't even cook. He turns his phone on and heck, it’s already eight, he’s definitely not panicking, he’s definitely not scrambling around his room like the mess he is trying to find his remaining clean hoodie because he was too lazy to do laundry for the past two weeks-

Except he definitely is, because Hyunjin is Hyunjin and shit, Hyunjin is everything but organised. He pretends not to hear Felix’s ‘I told you so, sucker’ and picks up his backpack, basically running out of the front door, shoes worn poorly and hair in a complete mess.

Congratulations, human mess Hyunjin. At least high school’s over. (Like his relationship but that shit hurt and Hyunjin’s not masochistic enough to recall.)

Oh, his relationship.

He had a feeling thinking about that would be the least of his suffering today, so he let himself go on the feeder bus. He let himself think about what he hated thinking about because really, all he’d being doing was avoiding it-

Avoiding it for a whopping two years.

They broke up in the first year of high school.

Hyunjin hasn’t seen him since. He isn’t sure if he’s ready. He’s pretty sure Seungmin would glo-up and make Hyunjin look like dirt (as if he wasn’t already god almighty). He’s pretty sure Seungmin would get a new boyfriend a hundred times better than Hyunjin and make Hyunjin feel like dirt.

The break up seemed like it was yesterday. Ah. But everyday seemed like yesterday after the break up.

Gosh, Hyunjin really was a Certified Mess.

The bus rounded into the university campus and came to a halt. Students poured down the steps of the bus and diverged into their respective faculties.

Hyunjin’s been here only once before, so he’s barely familiar with the layout. All he knows is that he has to get to lecture theatre three before eight forty or he’s royally fucked, and that it’s already eight thirty and he better start running.

He bursts into the lecture theatre at eight thirty-seven. Fifty pairs of eyes stare down at him from the seats, but he’s good as long as one of them doesn’t belong to his professor.

He still scurries to find a seat though, because he’s not going to let himself be shamed on the first day of school. He plunks his backpack down on a plastic seat, making an obnoxiously loud sound, whispering to the people around his seat that shit, he’s sorry if they had friends they reserved the seat for.

The person next to him gives him an awkward smile and introduces himself as Jisung. Hyunjin shakes his hand because well, if he was going to stay in this course for the next four years, he better start making friends.

The girls behind them were speaking animatedly about the 'hot med boys', which was a given due to the medicine boys generally having it all- extreme intellect and extreme beauty. He, however, in the mathematical sciences course, was probably deemed more uncool because firstly, who the hell liked math?

In Hyunjin's defence he actually liked math, so well, he had another reason to be single, yes.

At exactly eight forty the lecture theatre door flung open and a male professor wearing an (extremely ugly) sleeveless turtleneck strutted in.

“Good morning fellow sufferers! My name is Professor Park and I’ll be your main lecturer for the rest of your terrible four years here at SNU. I’m sure it’ll be fun!”

Jisung leant in whispered something vaguely sounding like “if he’s going to taint my eyes with that kind of fashion for the next four years I’d rather die.”

Hyunjin snickered because it was only the truth. If he had to see those tanned biceps flex one more time he would really rather just die. Not because it was hot, but rather because it looked awful and that turtleneck was borderline offensive.

Professor Park wrapped up his introductory lecture and dismissed the students for the day. Hyunjin leaves with Jisung, and meets another boy, Minho, that’s apparently Jisung’s “best friend” but Hyunjin’s gaydar was on and beeping violently so well, he guessed they were more than the “best friends” they claimed to be.

They left as a trio, with Jisung and Minho striking up friendly conversation with Hyunjin about hobbies, high school, and the like. Hyunjin also learnt that they actually lived a few blocks away from him and Felix, which would be nice because then he would have company back home.

They headed to the cafeteria before they heard erratic, high-pitched screaming from a group of girls that were staring at the group currently walking through the corridor. Oh, it definitely wasn’t due to them, rest assured.

Minho elbowed Hyunjin and whisper-shouted “kings of the school” over the cacophony of voices the girls were making. Hyunjin turned his head around and what the hell, he swore that he saw a halo of golden light engulf the group that seemed to be walking in slow-motion towards them.

The medicine boys.

He had overheard some people saying it was medicine’s “golden year” due to the influx of attractive males accepted to the faculty. His eyes swept over the crowd of five and although it was clear that not all of them were freshmen, all of them were glowing in the shitty LED lighting.

(Hyunjin needed their skincare routine.)

Wait.

He had felt something off when he skimmed the faces of the five. It was not a problem involving all of them, but rather, only one. (He also recognised Changbin, Felix’s boyfriend, in the mix, but that wasn’t what bothered him.)

One that looked disturbingly similar to his ex-

“Earth to Hyunjin.”

“Yes. I’m alive.” He snapped out of it and continued walking to the cafeteria, all the while looking the stupid swinging keychain hanging from that boy’s bag that resembled one hanging on his backpack right now.

“Ok, this food isn’t exactly shit, but well, could be improved.”

“Where does my money go, exactly, when the food’s ‘could be improved’? For the obnoxious amount of money I pay every year I better be getting three Michelin star lunchboxes daily.”

Hyunjin took a bite of a bland baby carrot.

“You got me there, Minho. You’re not wrong.”

The rest of his blanched vegetables just tasted a whole lot like water, so he threw them out after finishing his roast chicken (which actually wasn’t a total bust, contrary to his expectations).

He sorted out his papers and dug his phone out of his pocket.

8 messages from felix

Ah, Felix. Felix was his best friend best man till the very end. They’d been friends since Felix had flown in from Australia and plopped into his kindergarten class. After graduating from high school they both got accepted into SNU and thus decided to jointly rent an apartment to spilt costs. He loved Felix- platonically, of course. Anyway, Felix was already taken by a guy called Changbin who occasionally slept over and was pretty chill.

_felix: BITH_  
_felix: DROP OUT OF SNU_  
_felix: THROW THE WHOLE SCHOOL AWAY_  
_felix: ABORT MISSION_  
_felix: YOU GOT TO GO_  
_felix: SIS,,. JUST BECOME A MACDONALDS CASHIER,,, IT’ll hurt LESS_  
_felix: GUESS WHO’S HERE_  
_felix: UR EX_  
_hyunjean: NO FUCKING WAY_  
_hyunjean: THROW ME OFF SEOUL TOWER_  
_hyunjean: ELECTROCUTE ME WITH A TELEPHONE POLE_  
_felix: no I’m not encouraging this behaviour_  
_hyunjean: ok bro I thought we were broddies for lyfe_  
_felix: make me read that again and I’ll make you regret it_  
_hyunjean: ok_  
_hyunjean: broddies for lyfe_  
_felix: IM FUCKCKING UNKNOWING YOU_

Yay. His ex was here. Joy to the world.

He threw a longing look at the table the med students were sitting at. The boy that had resembled his ex looked at him, too.

They made awkward eye contact and Hyunjin immediately looked away. It couldn’t be him. It shouldn’t be him.

He left for Julliard, remember? Hyunjin had seen the letter of acceptance in his room, tossed carelessly to one side. He wouldn’t have given music up for the world, and especially not for a university in Korea. He wanted to travel the world. And sure, he was smart, but Seungmin-

Damn, he hated how his name came so easily for Hyunjin to think about. It’s really no use crying over spilled milk but Seungmin was never milk. He was exquisite champagne and spilling it did quite a number on Hyunjin. In fact, Hyunjin would consider himself lucky to even have had a taste of Seungmin in the first place.

He knew it was too good to be true.

In short, his ex (he hated referring to him by name because it hurt a considerable amount) told him a white lie and broke up with him for Julliard.

He doesn’t blame him. If MIT offered him a scholarship he’d drop everything and go as well. But maybe after telling Seungmin. Yeah. He’d go after telling Seungmin.

Come to think about it, how exactly did Felix know he was back?

hyunjean: come alive how did you find out  
felix: guess who's my bf's favourite junior,,lmao.,, he sent me a photo and i was like...ex dee... jeans aint gon be happy bout this...  
hyunjean: ur fucking kidding!!!!!!!  
felix: I wish I was bitch!!!

So-

Hyunjin stole another look at him. It was him. The one that left him, broken, in an art museum. Fate was a funny thing. Seungmin glowed shimmery opal. Nothing had changed. He was as beautiful as ever.

His look turned into a stare, and Jisung had to (again) call for him to return.

"Dude, you sure are a distracted guy."

Hyunjin's cheeks burned. Maybe it was the slight shame of being caught staring at something he wasn't meant to have.

"Haha, yeah. There are quite a number of things on my mind. Really takes me out of reality sometimes."

"It's fine, we've all been there." Minho gave him a brief smile before going back to (unsuccessfully) attempt to balance four pens in a pyramid.

Shit, he really hated how radiant his smile looked, how the sunlight hit him in all the nice places, how his angular face tilted slightly and framed his impeccably perfect features-

Hyunjin was in trouble.

"It's not that bad."

"Felix, SHUT UP."

“You aren’t even in the medicine faculty, calm your ass. You’re just a math fanatic-“

“Yeah but I have eyes. I can see him. I SAW HIM.”

“Hyunjin. It’s not that bad. Pretend you never saw him.”

“HOW! HE LOOKED BACK AT ME!”

“Oh man. Mate, I think you should go do some math sums to chill down.”

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT DOING MATH SUMS WILL CALM ME DOWN!”

“You like math, idk.”

“It doesn’t. I’m very stressed. Oh my god.”

“Yeah dude, it’s chill. Oh yeah my boyfriend’s coming over later-“

“If he brings that guy with him kick him out instantly.”

“Dude, he’s gonna be alone stop being paranoid.”

The doorbell rang just as Felix said that (the coincidence!) so Hyunjin went to open the door (not before peering into the peep-hole to confirm that indeed, it was only Changbin there).

"Sup."

"Uh, the sky."

Changbin shrugged and entered their apartment. Felix flung himself on Changbjn and pressed their noses together.

“I missed you. Today was a long day.”

Changbin looked at Felix tenderly and wrapped his hands around Felix’s neck.

“Yeah. I missed you too.”

Hyunjin was dry heaving onto the wooden floor. If he had eaten anymore that afternoon he would have been retching his guts out because oh my god, his virgin eyes. He should be used to this, given that Changbin basically was their third flat-mate at the rate that he was sleeping over, but no. Every romantic gesture they made was as if he had never seen them do romantic gestures and wow, maybe Hyunjin was just a salty single douchebag.

He cleared his throat because hey, he wasn’t a fly on the wall, and because he needed answers, mainly from Changbin.

“Uh Changbin. I heard that my, um. Ex. Is your junior. So about my ex, I mean uh, Seun-“

Changbin interlaced his fingers with Felix’s and said, “Yeah. Lix told me about him. I’ll keep it short and sweet- He’s not a bad person-“

“What do you know about him?” Hyunjin hadn’t meant for it to come out in a threatening tone. It was just a question. How was he doing? Was he healthy? Did he get a new boyfriend? What about Julliard?

“Uh, chill. Basics. He came from America to study medicine because he had ‘unfinished business’? In Korea? And yeahh he’s a really talented singer, and I think he also plays the violin? But I may be wrong?”

“You...aren’t wrong.” Hyunjin’s fingernails begun to dig into his palms. It hurt.

“And oh yeah, he’s one of the brightest freshmen in this batch. Golden year indeed.”

“That’s nice to hear.”

Hyunjin forced a smile and asked if they wanted to grab dinner from anyplace, as he was itching to get out of his apartment due to the couple and because the atmosphere became a lot tenser after he interrogated Changbin on Seungmin.

“Yeah. Go to that Chinese place near our place! I want egg fried rice. Order a side of sweet and sour pork as well!”

“And what about you Changbin?”

“Just, uh, some fried noodles.”

“Aight. Catch ya’ll in a while.”

“Thanks Hyunjinnie! You're the best!”

“Hell yeah I am.”

Felix rolled his eyes and shooed Hyunjin away with a couple of ten dollar bills he and Changbin threw together. Hyunjin didn’t mind. It was free dinner, and he could enjoy the night breeze while he was at it.

He threw on a pair of shoes and left the apartment.

He put in earphones because a) he could have a viable reason to not communicate with any human (other than his cashier) and because b), what was jogging without a little bit of music and fun to jazz it up?

The familiar calming vocals of NCT Dream filled his ears and he broke out in a slow jog. He bopped his head to the familiar rhythm of their latest song, Boom. The Chinese food place wasn't far, he would reach in about five to ten minutes. The moonlight peered through the trees and the street lamps illuminated his path. It was nice, having time for himself, alone, far away from the excessively touchy couple currently occupying his couch back home.

He spotted the tell-tale bright neon lights of the signboard of the Chinese place and pulled his earphones out of his ears. He ran through the orders in his head before pushing open the glass door, bell hanging on the knob ringing.

It was empty, save a group of boys sitting at the booth near the counter. On closer inspection, Hyunjin realised that, to his horror, it was the med boy-clique (minus Changbin) eating dinner together. And guess who else was there! Kim freaking Seungmin! Oh my god! His eyes must be playing games on him so guess what! Time to get new glasses!

Yeah. Hyunjin had shit luck. Curiously, his eyes suddenly couldn’t work in that spilt second so he tossed the vision away as a silly hallucination and redirected his vision to the cashier who was looking at Hyunjin strangely. Shit.

“Welcome to Din Tai Fung, what would you like?”

“Uh. Yeah. Ok. Um. Sorry. I would like, uh. One egg fried rice, a side of sweet and sour pork, and um. One chao mian. And um. What do you recommend?”

“Uh, our pork soup dumplings are good. Also our sour and spicy soup. If you’re looking for a main course the egg soup noodles are pretty good. The salted fish fried rice is also good.”

“Um. Then I’ll have the spicy and sour soup, and the egg soup noodles.”

“Okay. Take away or eat in?”

“Take away, please.”

“That will be fifty dollars.”

Hyunjin fumbled around with his wallet, almost dropping it, (feeling several pairs of eyes bore holes into his back) and forked out the cash to pay for dinner.

When the packaged food came back to him from the kitchen staff, he looked up from his phone and got ready to leave.

And to his Great Delight it was raining! How best absolutely perfect could this day have gone? He couldn’t have dreamt of a Better Scenario!

“Fuck me with a toothbrush.” He whispered.

He had to call up Felix to inform him of his shitty happening and for him to come and save him in this terrible weather.

“Hi Felix.”

“Yeah mate, are you aight?”

“It’s fucking raining. I forgot my umbrella.”

“Oh shit lol. Stay there, I think it’ll be easier for me and Changbin to go over and we’ll just eat in. Eat first, don’t wait for us.”

“DUDE WHAT THE HELL. I CAN’T STAY HERE. BRING ME HOME BITCH.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Speak softer Felix guess who’s also here?”

“They can’t hear me.”

“SHUT UP OMG JUST COME AND GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE I WANT TO DIE-“

Hyunjin was cut off by a tap on the shoulder. He jumped and cut the line with Felix.

“Hey mate, are you alright?”

A thick australian accent cut the silence of the place and wow, this was the first time he realised that he was actually speaking in a rather loud voice in this quiet establishment and fuck, that meant that everyone heard him and wow, he wants to bury himself alive.

He looked up. It was one of the med boys, but he didn’t look like a freshman, so Hyunjin guessed he was either in Changbin’s batch or above.

“Um. Haha. Sorry for ruining. Your. Happy dinner time. Enjoy. Your meal. Have a nice. Day.”

“Mate you really don’t seem alright. I’m Chan, what’s your name?”

“Um. Hyunjin. Okay. Yeah. I’m not good at talking. To people. Sorry.”

Underneath the table he was furiously texting Felix to ask him to HURRY THE FUCK UP because starting conversations with people he didn’t know wasn’t exactly Hyunjin’s forte. Especially not as he grew increasingly aware of the booth behind him (and of Seungmin, but lmao, who?).

“Yo mate, Do you wanna join us for dinner? It’s raining and you seem to be unable to go home-“

“I’m fine. Haha.”

hyunjean: HURRYY THE FUCK UP FELIXXX  
felix: IM RUNNING STFU

As if on cue, Felix burst into the restaurant with Changbin in tow, startling the Chan guy.

“HWANG HYUNJIN- WHAT THE HELL-“

“Felix what the hell did you ALSO not bring an umbrella-“

“Changbin had one okay I’m not sad and single like you-“

“I’m perfectly fine not being in a relationship, stop screaming you are embarrassing me.”

“Oh, hi Chan.”  
  
Changbin spoke up, breaking up the fight between Felix and Hyunjin. Oh yeah. Changbin was also a medical student. Fun times.

“Hey mate! How you doing!” Chan said a little over-enthusiastically.

“I’m fine.” Changbin replied nonchalantly.

“Okay. You know what? I’m leaving right now. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Hyunjin you fucking LOSER you can’t walk home in this rain-“

“Watch me try, Felix.”

Chan spoke up again, in a gentler voice this time.

“Why don’t you join us?”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea. Why not? The more the merrier!” Another voice from the booth piped up.

Hyunjin gave pleading eyes to Felix. He would understand, wouldn’t he?

“Sure, that’s a great idea. Mate, are you also from Australia?”

“Oh yeah! I am!”

“Aww that’s cool, I’m Felix!”

What on earth. Felix was SOCIALISING. Like a normal person. Time to go. The rain might wet him but hell, he’d swim the Atlantic if he could avoid any social meeting with his ex again.

Felix had an awfully evil glint in his eyes and grabbed Hyunjin’s wrist and plonked him back down into the booth.

“We’ll just sit here. There’s no need for us to join you,” Hyunjin reasoned in his panic.

“Come on jeans, don’t be such a wet blanket.”

“Changbin, umbrella. I’m running home.”

“No can do. This is my roommate’s and if I lose it again he would most definitely kill me. I like dark but I also like being alive and well.”

“Your grammar is absolutely fantastic.”

“Shut up and sit down. The food’s getting cold.” Felix pulled Hyunjin out of his seat and struggled to get him into the booth with the med boys.

He wouldn’t fall a second time. He wouldn’t let himself fall a second time. He didn't think his heart could take it once more.

"Hyunjin, quick, move in, I wanna sit next to Chan," Felix said playfully.

And wow! Look who was beside him! Kim! Fucking! Seungmin! Panic and anxiety instantly overrode logic and the sound of the thunderous storm raging outside.

"Uh. Yeah. I think. I’ll just. Go home.”

He burst out of the restaurant, straight into the pouring rain, and started running for his life.

“Hyunjin!”

He heard his name getting yelled but he didn’t turn around. The voice was familiar but yet so unfamiliar to him- like a lost and broken memory, but a memory nonetheless.

“Hyunjin. Please.”

It's funny to Hyunjin how he makes himself sound like a joke but when things actually get serious he becomes a blubbering fool because really, life never taught him to deal with emotions.

Pitter patter of shoes into puddles and the raindrops stopped hitting his face. A umbrella held over his head. The holder probably getting soaked by the storm.

It’s funny how water was still streaming down his face.

“Hyunjin.”

It was Seungmin. Seungmin had chased after him with the umbrella.

It didn’t matter. Hyunjin didn't need to turn to know he still looked as beautiful as yesterday, and as several years ago. He turned anyway.

Seungmin didn’t make his eyes meet with Hyunjin’s.

“You can go, but at least take this umbrella.”

“Is this charity too? Is this charity like our past relationship? Stop pretending to care, Seungmin. I know you’d rather see me suffer and get wet so just leave.”

“Take the umbrella, Hyunjin. Don’t be stubborn.”

“No. I won’t accept superficial donations anymore. Just pretend we don’t know each other.”

Hyunjin forced himself to turn away.

“Don’t be stupid, Hyunjin.”

Seungmin’s voice of reason thrust a knife deeply into Hyunjin’s heart. It broke the last straw, the one he had been using teeny tiny needles to repair everytime there had been a leak-

It was bound to snap one day.

“Don't give me this compassion or pity. Why didn’t you tell me you were going to Julliard? Why did you leave me so many years ago? I was so fucking lonely and you just went like that-“

Seungmin stiffened up. Despite the tears and the rain blurring his vision Hyunjin still saw how devastated Seungmin looked. It wasn’t much different from his own expression.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the past three years. I’m sorry you were lonely. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was going. I’m-“

“I didn’t come to hear you apologise, Seungmin. This apology means nothing to you, and it means nothing to me.”

Hyunjin ran off, salty tears mixing with the rainwater hitting his face. What did it matter if Seungmin didn’t want to tell him about his personal life? It didn’t matter at all, because Hyunjin was Hyunjin and Seungmin was Seungmin. It wasn’t Hyunjin and Seungmin anymore.

Why did this feel more of a breakup than their actual breakup years ago?

When he arrived in front of his door, completely soaked through by the merciless rain, Hyunjin was shaking too much to even slot the key properly into the keyhole. His mind was occupied by Seungmin and honestly, he hated it. He wished that Seungmin could have just left him alone and that he could have just had a pleasant jog (shower) home, instead of being plagued by memories of the past.

_2 messages from felix_  
_ 1 message from +82 XX XXXX YYYY_

_felix: hyunjin...I'm sorry_  
_ felix: I crossed the line. I'm coming home with changbin n the food now kay?_

_+82 XX XXXX YYYY: don't fall sick._

The hand he’s using to grip the phone is shaking. Badly. It’s not because he’s cold, but he ignores all three messages and drops his phone on the bed to take a hot shower.

If the little glimmer of hope he's kept alight since that day had been glowing brighter in his chest cavity, Hyunjin doesn't notice.

When he’s out of the shower, towel-dried and a fresh set of clothes on, he smells the aroma of the chinese food wafting into his door that was slightly ajar.

It seemed like Changbin and Felix were back, as he could hear their buzzing from his room. He cracked the door open a little more and the two heads at the table instantly turned to look at him.

Felix looks a little down, picking slightly at the egg fried rice Hyunjin knew he loved. He probably was guilty for forcing Hyunjin to sit next to his ex, but Hyunjin was never one to hold a grudge, especially against Felix.

Running through all the possibilities of greeting in his head, he settled on a “did you miss me?” and cracked a half-hearted smile while leaning against the doorframe. Felix leapt out of his seat, engulfing Hyunjin in a bear hug.

"I'm so sorry-"

Tears were already threatening to spill from Felix's eyes. He looked like a kicked puppy with fur matted by the rain and rolling in grass.

“It’s okay.” Hyunjin said, meaning every word. Felix was a little cheeky sometimes, but Hyunjin always knew behind the snarky remarks and the practical jokes Felix loved him just as much he loved Felix.

"Uh, we should eat. Food's getting cold."

Felix smiled through his tears, quickly wiping them away with his wrists. It was always Felix who had to see Hyunjin in his lamest, sobbiest form and Hyunjin was so sorry to him for all the shit he put him through. Felix had to deal with the brunt of his awful breakup with Seungmin by using a lot of tissues and Hyunjin’s favourite TV show, so it wasn’t fair for Hyunjin to be causing his bestest friend in the whole wide world so much sadness.

“Felix, it’s ok. I love you. In a bro, non-homo way.”

Felix laughed.

“Yeah, Hyunjin. I love you too, in the broest, most non-homoest way possible.”

That day went pretty bad for Hyunjin, but it could have been worse. His stupid ex could have texted him-

Oh wait, his stupid ex did text him.

+82 XX XXXX YYYY: don't fall sick.

The stupid text that he sent that was very clearly to mock Hyunjin for very clearly not being over Seungmin was still there. It wasn’t a dream, despite him begging and praying for it to go away after he took a nap.

It didn’t.

I didn’t go away. Neither did the ache in his heart. He blocked the number and went back to sleep but he could never truly rid himself of that blossoming feeling of want.

Later that night, Felix knocks gently on his door and plops himself down on Hyunjin's bed when welcomed.

"Hyunjin. I'm sorry for today, that was my bad. But you know you can't avoid him forever right?"

"Felix, I-"

"I'm not saying you have to make up with him. I'm not saying you have to be his friend. As your friend I just think you deserve to get the closure you didn't manage to get years ago. It's not good for you, Hyunjin. Pining and pining and hurting and hurting does nothing good for the heart."

"I know. But maybe I don't want to get closure. Maybe I want to live in a world where I don't know him. I just want to forget him, Felix. If I get closure, I-I'm scared I'll fall again. I'm scared that after I see his still so stupidly handsome face I'll crash and burn again because Kim Seungmin just does that to me. It's disgusting, I just want to forget him, I just really want to forget him, I don't want to suffer anymore."

"Hyunjin, you'll hurt more like this. Look at you. You're suffering but you never vocalise it. Hyunjin, please, it's time to start looking up. You're pretty, you're young, and you're handsome. I just wish you could see that in yourself. Maybe you deserve better."

Hyunjin was on the verge of tears. He knew every word that came out of Felix's mouth was true and fair while every that came out of his was more and more shitty excuses to put off getting real closure and drowning in his belief that Seungmin truly hadn't loved him.

Seungmin didn't love him, did he.

"You're being kind of stupid right now, Hyunjin."

"I know," he replied, burying his face into Felix's shoulder.

"What would you do without me?" Felix said, petting Hyunjin's hair gently and letting him cry as much as he needed to.

Hyunjin laughed through his tears.

"I'd be nothing, Felix."

After that incident, Hyunjin took special precaution to stay away from the medical school and its students, even going as far to turn down Felix's invitation to hang out with Changbin. He knew that was a little extreme, but he knew if he had to wait it out before he was mentally stable enough to risk taking chances that would potentially end in him meeting with Seungmin. It was good for the first couple of weeks. But because life is a bitch and life really hated Hyunjin, his precautions went to hell and he saw Seungmin in the last place he wanted to- the fucking Chinese place. Again.

Granted, this was an oversight in his Avoid-Seungmin-At-All-Costs masterplan, but really, he should have known better. Luckily, the med boys were with Seungmin again, so it wasn't like a life ending hole in the plan he had so carefully curated as they probably didn't see him. Plus, it would crush him to stop patronising this shop because the food was good and the old owner doted on him and always gave him more rice when he ordered.

He ordered his usual fried rice to-go, staring at the Chinese New Year decorations plastering the walls of the restaurant even though the holiday had long passed. He chose to sit at a booth that was hopefully out of their sight, waiting for his fried rice to be done so he could get the hell out of that place before anything bad could happen.

Suddenly, someone chose to sit opposite him, making his heart drop to his ass, before calming down after realising it was only Changbin.

"Oh my god you scared the shit out of me."

"Chill man, it's only me."

"This kind of interaction is so uncalled for, Changbin."

"I was just worried, okay? You've been out of it ever since that night. I haven't seen you in like weeks. And I see you all of a sudden- of course I’m going to have to talk to you. What's going on with you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm just, er. Scared."

"Of Seungmin?"

"Not really. More of the. Catching feelings part. I don't want to catch feelings again. In case he leaves again. Because he’s you know. Attractive. And I’m really terrified of that. Because I know I’m throwing myself into the deep end of the pool everytime I try to fix things. I just don’t want him in my life anymore, Changbin.”

Changbin sighs.

"First of all. You need to start telling me and Felix things. I might not be your bestest friend in the whole universe, but I care about you, Hyunjin. You think we don't notice your self-destructive tendencies? You even opted out of sushi saturday last week. Felix was crushed. You shouldn't ruin your social life just for one boy, Hyunjin. Secondly. Your isolationism is a terrible ploy. You’re hurting even more ignoring the people you love around you.”

"Please don’t tell me what I already know.”

Hyunjin left the booth, collected his food at the counter and left the place without looking back.

  
Why did he have to come back? Seungmin didn't love him, Hyunjin was just obsessed with the idea that they might work out again. It wouldn't, it was a wistful dream that would never end up with Hyunjin being happy.

Meeting Seungmin so many years ago was a mistake, being his boyfriend was a mistake. Seungmin never loved him. And now, the stupid pain from that many years ago was coming back- and at full force.

Maybe Felix was right. Maybe he should fix things up with Seungmin to get closure. He didn't need to be friends. Just talk to him. Normally. Get explanations, and leave.

Except he can't do that. Because Seungmin is different. Because he loses himself because of Seungmin.

He pushes all the thoughts to the back of his mind because he can't afford to think about him anymore.

He hopes Seungmin thinks of him too, though.

Turns out, the universe is unfair as usual so the next time he sees Seungmin is a Monday, and he's not exactly feeling great. He just did abysmally for his mid-terms because his mind was too preoccupied with Seungmin and his Big Life Problem TM to actually have sat down and studied for this test. He didn't fail, but it was bad enough for him to go to the nearest toilet to proceed to literally cry his fucking eyes out.

As if that wasn't bad enough, as he was busy sobbing in the toilet he SWORE no one ever patronised, he heard someone enter the cubicle next to his. Why now, of all days, did someone choose THIS fucking toilet to do their business in?

He hurriedly swiped the back of his palm over his eyes and left the cubicle. He had to leave before the other person saw his face and tweeted out "lul just saw a loser crying in the toilet lul" and destroy his entire, not-very-solid, reputation.

As he tried his best to sneak out of the toilet and bolt down the hallway so he could disappear as soon as possible, he heard his name being shouted out from behind him. The voice was disgusting. It was disgusting and sentimental and it was horribly nostalgic.

It was Seungmin.

Why was he always seeing him at his lowest?

Hyunjin didn't stop. His legs were about to give out, he wasn't fit and his stamina was draining quickly.

"Why are you always running away?"

Hyunjin stilled. Seungmin caught up, panting slightly. He reached for Hyunjin's wrist, but Hyunjin wrestled out of his grip.

"I'm running away because I hate you."

"Why don't you ever let me explain myself?"

"There's nothing to explain. Just leave me alone. Just pretend you don't know me."

"Hyunjin! You're being unreasonable!"

"You were unreasonable all those years ago, too."

A bitter silence filled the air. The three metres between them like 3 miles.

"I left because I wasn't enough."

"Fuck you, Seungmin. I don't want your bullshit. You made me cry and worry for all these years for what? For you to tell me this bullshit. I'm done."

"Hyunjin," he said, voice more like a whisper, "I just wanted you to have all the beautiful things."

"You should have told me you were leaving. I would have been okay with it."

"I just thought you deserved better. From the days leading up to me leaving you always seemed like you were looking at people better than me. You probably didn't even want me anyway. And I- being the insecure prick that I am- thought you wanted to leave me. So I made it easier for you. I made you hate me so it would be easier for you to forget me and find someone else."

"Seungmin, you're so fucking stupid-"

"No, fuck you, Hyunjin. You never understood me."

"Fuck you back! You saw me and you pretended you didn't. I thought that meant you hated me. I thought you hated me because you left just like that without an explanation. I had to find out from the fucking letter you shoved into your trash can to know you were accepted. I was so goddamn lost after you left and all you have to say to me is that I never understood you? Never loved you? This— this is why I hate you."

"Like I said. You won't ever understand me. This was pointless. I won't talk to you again. I'm sorry."

And so Seungmin left- and maybe he really did leave for good this time. Hyunjin hated him, so why did he feel so hollow? He had sorted his feelings out. Realised it was nothing but hate so had he made a mistake?

He has. When he gets back to his dorm he starts crying. Immediately. He's shattered. That was Seungmin. That wasn't some nobody he dated for week then dumped. That was Seungmin, the one he loved for so long.

Felix was shocked. He didn't understand, but he wrapped his arms around Hyunjin and let him cry. But when he did understand, between many sobs and a glass of water, he smacked Hyunjin square in the head.

"Felix, you're supposed to feel sorry for me!"

"Not when you're being this fucking stupid. Listen. I'm not saying Seungmin's not a bitchboy. I'm saying you aren't seeing things from his point of view. Why would he think you wanted to break up with him? Why would he think he was so unworthy of your love? It's because of you, Hyunjin. You say you tried but you didn't."

"I did."

"You didn't. If you did you would have noticed. I think he never wanted to go to Julliard, you know. You know how his parents are like."

"Fuck! I didn't want to know anything!"

"I would be a bad friend and a bad person if I hadn't stepped in. You're still blaming him. But still, I know you haven't stopped blaming yourself. You need to let go. You need to tell him the truth. You're doing the exact same thing he's doing. Making him hate you so you can move on."

Hyunjin was lost. Felix didn't lie. He just didn't want to hear it.

He had to go back to Seungmin, whether he wanted to or not.

_hyunjean: Seungmin, we need to talk. Can I meet you anywhere?_  
_+82 XX XXXX YYYY: no we don't. _  
_hyunjean: Please._  
_+82 XX XXXX YYYY: please stop texting me. I'll block you._  
_hyunjean: I'm sorry._  
_+82 XX XXXX YYYY: you're cheapening the word sorry. just pretend you don't know me. I'll do the same._  
_hyunjean: Seungmin-_

The single tick next to his message meant he had blocked him. Hyunjin had really fucked up big time.

"Felix- can you ask Changbin for Chan's address?"

"You better fix this shit by tomorrow, Hyunjin. I'm not kidding."

Felix pulled his phone out to message Changbin. A forwarded address later, Hyunjin found himself several blocks down his own, in front of a door with an obnoxiously coloured welcome sign hung on it. He knocked tentatively on it, unsure if Chan would even let in some guy he saw once at the chinese place.

He did, surprisingly. But he didn't let him in. He had a kind of unreadable expression on his face that scared Hyunjin.

"You- you're here for Seungmin, I suppose. He told me not to let you in. Ah, but you see. I know that's not what he wants. But I can't go around making decisions for him. So he'll have to face you instead. Please take care of my baby bird. He's been through so much."

"I fucked up really big time. Please let me see him."

"I'll see if he wants to."

Chan disappeared behind the door, and Hyunjin's alone again, staring at the frivolous sign.

When the door opens again, Seungmin comes out, he looks like a mess. He's obviously been crying, eyes puffy and red. And it's because of Hyunjin. His heart drops.

"Seungmin."

"You're here to get closure right? Here. I've given it to you. We're over."

"I came to apologise! I'm stupid! I didn't see from your point of view. You were right, I'm an idiot. I hadn't treasured you enough and stupidly assumed you just left because you hated me- you hated us."

Seungmin's hardened expression softened.

"I left because my parents told me to. You know they never took very kindly to me staying here. Being with you."

"I realised. And I know you think my words are cheap. But I do hope you know I never truly hated you. Neither did I ever stop liking you. Think it over. If you want- I don't mind trying again. This- us. But if you truly hate me- I don't blame you. I'd do too. I can pretend I never knew you."

"Shut up."

And then Seungmin kissed him with the kind of fervour he needed. The kind of desperation built on false hatred, longing and time. The time they spent apart. The star-crossed bliss in their eyes that meant forgiveness for mistakes made.

"I really hate you, Kim Seungmin."

"I hate you too, Hwang Hyunjin."

Seungmin wrapped an arm around Hyunjin, bringing him into the dorm.

"Now we're even."

They had time. They would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> as jasmine masters so aptly put it...well,,just I thought, trash
> 
> med + math = meth quick maffs <3
> 
> me: I cant find the right words when I'm writing this trash  
fuck, shit, bitch, and etc : lemme show you what you're missing; paradise
> 
> also its exam season so i deleted all my socials lol WACK i dont have a life yall cant stalk me also ill be back with more trash after my chinese tests hee hee im gonna fail


End file.
